Foma!

April, 2020
This site has not been actively maintained in almost 15 years. I'm amazed it still works. Note that we've moved on long ago, and all of the writings on this site are left online only to capture a time in our lives. Honestly, I find most of it juvenile, mean-spirited, ugly and clearly the product of a very sad person. I no longer believe it to be funny, although I do still admire some of its cleverness. To those written about here, I apologize. You didn't deserve this, but in some sick ways it was my truth at the time. Please forgive me. I love you all. -Dan

2005: Celebrity Year in Review
To ensure you don't forget all that made an impact this past year, we've scraped together a sampling of the primo 2005 celebrity trashtalk. 1/2/06

Film Rewind: The Jazz Singer (1980)
Jewish Elvis. A half-chewed chunk of chocolate fell unnoticed from my gaping mouth. Yes. The true spirit of this holiday season. I'm talking about Neil Diamond. And his chest hair. 12/30/05

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Neiman Carcass
We'd been so distracted by the filthy transient that we hadn't heard the shouting and scuffling. "Neiman Carcass!" and "No Killing for Coats!" assaulted my ears. Giant placards depicting dreadful skinned things were thrust into my face. The "wife" buried "her" face in "her" Hermès wrap shawl. "Make them go away!" "she" sobbed. 12/16/05

A Very Special 90210 Nativity
I knew you were all worried about me. I know that thinking your friend might be a binge eater can be scary -- scarier than even pimples or cancer! You probably thought I was binging on mayonnaise-covered Ho-Ho's because I hated myself. Admittedly, they do taste really good...but the reason was not because I'm unhappy. 12/14/05

Merry Christmas from The Thompsons!
Greetings from cold and snowy Wisconsin! Whew! Can you believe another year is almost over? Time certainly does fly -- especially when you've been as busy as The Thompsons have! 12/10/05

Douche-Bag of the Moment: Stavros Niarchos III
Stavros is another in what promises to be a long and storied line of Greek shipping heirs and Paris Hilton boy-toys. From a family worth an estimated $7.5 billion, the 20 year old USC film student and "professional Kite Surfer" first came into view during a relationship with Mary-Kate Olsen, of Full House fame. He is also a gigantic douche. 11/29/05

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Horn of Plenty
I was about to have Lupita draw my nightly bath and whiskey when I realized I had forgotten the most important thing. Thanksgiving is about being thankful! I immediately sat down to my Louis XVI writing desk to list this year's top five things for which I was most thankful. 11/13/05

Christian Slater Lives the Hollywood Dream
"My mistakes do happen on a grand scale and very public level. They're humiliating, embarrassing. But if nothing bad happens to you, you'll just continue to act ridiculous." -- Christian Slater, USA Today, December 14, 1997 11/6/05

John Travolta: Staying Fit (1984)
The oversized Celebrity Fitness book features extra-large diagrams and photos of your favorite star performing squats and arm presses as convincingly as she spat out bad dialogue on Dynasty (Linda Evans) or Dallas (Victoria Principal). Then there's the John Travolta offering. 10/29/05

The 2005 Mrs. America Pageant
A feast presented upon a silver platter, this Celebration of the Married Woman is begging to have a fork and knife stuck into it. By the end of the two-hour extravaganza, there was juice shamelessly running down my chin and soaking into my notepad. 9/25/05

Top Five Sitcom Sidekicks
We'd like recognize those unsung soldiers that gave their comedic all for no more than fifth or sixth billing in the credits and even fewer minutes of screen time per week. Those selfless souls who persevered for seasons on end in the hope that their character would one day get to date the older sister or, God willing, attain that holy grail of sitcom-dom -- the spin-off series. 9/11/05

Darla's Delicious Recipes for Entertaining!
As always, my name is Darla and I'll be your hostess -- with the mostest! -- for today's show. We've got a fabulous hour planned -- ham, salmon, herring and cottage cheese surprises are just around the corner. If that's not enough to raise cheers around the table, we also have an amazing and gravity-defying Jell-O treat in store! 9/1/05

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Summer is Fattening
I was just starting to consider suicide when I saw IT. My listless page turning in Us Weekly suddenly brought me face to face with perfection. Nicole Richie's physique taunted me. Since losing all that "rehab" fat, she has achieved the exact look that sends my heart racing with envy. I too would look like a pre-pubescent boy! 8/24/05

Celebrity Junkies of the Moment
Whitney Houston put it best when she looked blearily into the camera and announced "Crack is whack! I don't buy crack. Crack is cheap. Why would I buy crack when I can afford the top cocaine?" The world is a better place with her in it. 8/20/05

Picks for the Fantasy Cast of The Surreal Life 6
As VH1 births new seasons of The Surreal Life with a frequency on par with two caged rabbits, this shall serve as an open letter to executives with suggestions for the next round of lucky B-listers. So with drum roll and the proper amount of ado, I give you The Surreal Life Fantasy Cast -- Season 6! 7/16/05

Square Pegs: Always Never Quite Right
My favorite of show of 1982 unfortunately only lasted one season. Rumors abound as to the reasons for its quick cancellation, ranging from rampant drug use on the set to inexperienced production crews, but one thing is for certain: Square Pegs was a show worthy of more than 20 episodes. 7/10/05

And Your Offspring Shall Be Called Zanker Melancholy Poppyfield III
It's no wonder celebrity offspring are sent to "alternative education" schools; sitting in a classroom with kids named Pilot Inspektor, Moxie CrimeFighter and Banjo is the only way that a kid named O'Shun or Bow-TY will make it through his years relatively unscathed. 6/23/05

Celebrity Endorsements and Sex for Sandwiches
Not satisfied with their over-exposure on TV, in film, in sports arenas, on concert stages, teleported via satellite directly into our cerebral cortexes, celebrities endorse a variety of products, further fueling the vicious cycle of celebrity consumerism. 6/19/05

Film Rewind: Revisiting Love Story
Thirty-five years have passed and other great romance movies have rendered the poignant sweetness of Love Story nearly forgotten. Movies like Titanic. And, um, Something About Mary. You know -- the classics. 6/18/05

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Reasons to Celebrate
I was torn away from thoughts of the wind whipping through my hair off the tip of Cape Ann when I noticed the clothing inside my luggage had begun to move! There, amongst my Ralph Lauren vacation wear, was a little brown baby. Actually it was more of a rich cinnamon color...but this was definitely no WASP. 6/8/05

Tom Cruise Kicks Off Gay Pride Month with a New Girlfriend
Katie Holmes is the most recent rising star to win the (coveted?) role of leading lady opposite Cruise in his continuously unfolding personal drama. She is the latest device to shroud the gay parade. 6/6/05

Bruce Campbell Interview
Whether you've heard of him or not, Bruce Campbell is among the most revered artists in the B-Movie pantheon. Bruce recently found it within his heart to answer my persistent and humiliatingly reverent emails with answers to 10 questions of my choosing. What follows is the verbatim email exchange between his chin-ness and yours truly. And, yes, I was starstruck. 5/21/05

May 1985 Seventeen Magazine Ads
Seventeen magazine has been gently nudging teenagers toward womanhood for 61 years. This equates to thousands of ads for menstrual products, make-up, clothing and "sensitive area" hair removal. 5/8/05

Television's Dustbin: Canceled Celebrity Talk Shows
There's a reason people become Hollywood celebrities in the first place. It usually has nothing to do with the ability to win over pregnant teens, transvestite boy scout leaders or other celebrities plugging crappy movies. 5/7/05
Celebrity Arrests: How the Mighty Have Fallen
A judge issued a warrant for Natasha Lyonne's arrest after she failed to appear in court. She faces the charge of allegedly ripping down a mirror in her neighbors' apartment and "threatening to molest their dog." 4/26/05

Hey Kids! It's Toy Box Time!
I came across Miami Vice: The Game in the middle of a make-shift flea market. A couple was selling a bunch of crap from the back of their van. They wanted two bucks, but I talked them down to $1.17. 4/24/05

Boy George Fashion & Make-up Book
With detailed instructions describing how one might achieve his look, The Boy George Fashion &: Make-up Book has it all for the arts-and-crafty young vamp. 4/18/05

Blossom Lost Episode: The Intervention
We searched the TV tomes at NBC and discovered a very special lost episode of Blossom. Starring Mayim Bialik, Joey Lawrence and Jenna Von Oy. 4/16/05

Career Suicide: Her Cries for Help Fell on Deaf Ears
Britney, I don't know if I've ever said this before...but there is nothing I can do to help you. 4/14/05

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- London Calling
I had no other choice than to take my denim quest across the pond. I immediately emailed Phelps from my BlackBerry and requested that he book me passage on the first available flying ship to the British Isles. 4/6/05

Enough with the Little Dogs!
Everyone has an accessory that shits. Paris, Nicole, Jessica, Jewel and Mariah have all got one. So does Backstreet Boy AJ McLean. They can't go anywhere without their well-heeled ball of fluff. 4/4/05

History Revealed: The Real Story of Jesus
In honor of the Sweatpantserection.com one year anniversary and the 2,005th anniversary of Jesus rising from the dead, we decided to reward our readers by divulging the findings of a top secret investigation. 3/27/05

The Labyrinth: Can't Get Enough Penis
Today's family movies are nothing without the requisite CGI animals, monsters and/or monster animals voiced by Robin Williams and Cameron Diaz. The movies of my childhood had puppets. And David Bowie. 3/25/05

Get In Shape with Sears '84
Jump on the fitness bandwagon and get in shape with Sears! Jogging, sit-ups and leg curls are all well and good, but your workout shouldn't suffer from dull and listless fashions. There's more for your life at Sears! 3/20/05

They Are Just Like Us: Celebrity Resolutions
Since I've long given up on my own goals for self betterment, I thought it more appropriate to take a look at what our favorite celebrities hope the New Year will bring for them. 1/2/05

Lifetime Movie Network, One Man's Confession
I can't really explain it, but it doesn't get much better than playing World of Warcraft while watching Laura Leighton affect a bad Texan accent and get murdered by her husband. 1/2/05

The Cult of the Christmas Sweater
Nothing says "festive" more than donning a piece of knitwear with snowmen hugging bears dressed like reindeer with dangling bells and scratch and sniff gingerbread men wearing Santa hats. 12/23/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Santa, Can I Be Your Helper?
I wanted to find out how someone could incur such a hardship upon himself by making small, trusting children adore him for no reason other than a red suit and beard. It took the promise of a hot lunch and bus fare to Torrance, but he agreed to meet me in the food court on his next break. 12/18/04

Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special
My favorite example of a children's show (and host) gone wrong is Pee-wee's Playhouse. Since it's Christmas (if you hadn't noticed), what better time to take a look at Pee-wee's Christmas Special. 12/18/04

Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas
Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas makes the most (and then some) of her reputation for idiocy. Without it, the producers would only be left with her gigantic boobies. Oh, and her singing. 12/4/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- A Christmas Wish
Did I want that darling Burberry slicker or that gorgeous piece of antique leaded Tiffany glass I saw at Sophia's last week? Then it hit me: my Christmas Wish is to reunite a family! 12/5/04

A Look at Gender Roles: The 1979 Sears Christmas Wish Book
The Sears 1979 Christmas Wish Book leaves no question what was expected of girls. Forget aspirations of becoming a doctor, lawyer or scientist. Girls were good for three things: cookin' food, cleanin' house and makin' babies. 11/28/04

The Adventures of Tito the Turkey
One day a truck pulled up. Farmer Jon told Tito's mother to gather up her things -- she was going on vacation! She was so excited. Mother had always wanted to see the world. She must still be having a great time because she never came back. Someday maybe Tito can go on a vacation too! 11/21/04

Curse of the Care Bears
Tender Heart Bear was arrested in a Brooklyn flophouse with a bag of crack and a hooker. Worst of all, Share Bear developed a dangerously co-dependent homosexual affair with Teddy Ruxpin. 11/17/04

Stick Figure Man: Has the Messiah Come?
It was largely accepted that the Messiah would make his triumphant return as a blond, blue-eyed Jesus figure; no one noticed the quiet arrival of Stick Figure Man. He succumbs to torture so we don't have to. 11/14/04

Celebrity Caterwaul: Actors Who Think They Can Sing
Instead of settling their differences through text messaging, Hilary and Lindsay have chosen the Biggie/Tupac route; they're hashing it out through the power of lyrics. Lisa predicts someone will get shot. 11/10/04

The SweatpantsErection.com Guide to the 2004 Election
We know how difficult it is to find information about the candidates. Star Magazine doesn't have space for such trivia between Mary-Kate's recent relapse and Gwen Stefani's agony over Gavin's love child! 10/31/04

Halloween is Once a Year, but Ugly is Forever
Lisa put together a tribute to the rich, famous and heinous. These lucky few won the Hollywood game in spite of their physical "handicaps." They're cackling all the way to the bank. 10/31/04

Medical Horrors Halloween Party
Bob was armed with a pail of fresh fetuses that had already enjoyed the quick jab and thrust of his trusty coat hanger and tong. Before I knew it, I was bent over the banister while my uterus was scraped clean. 10/27/04

World Cyber Games 2004
Early last week I began seeing an unusually large assortment of awkward looking teenagers wandering the streets of downtown San Francisco. I knew this could mean only one thing: Video games, and lots of them. 10/17/04

(Morally) Horrifying Halloween Costumes
WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND OFFENSIVE COSTUMES. DO NOT READ IF YOU VALUE HUMAN LIFE OR IF YOU ARE A BORN AGAIN REPUBLICAN. 10/14/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Lunch with Laura
I am thrilled to bring you an extra-exclusive interview with our noble First Lady, Mrs. Laura Bush. Despite the fact that I had vomit cleaned off of my Hermés valise after our meeting, Laura and I formed a lasting bond. 10/12/04

Girl Eating a Corndog: Aspiring for Top Google Search Results
Corndogs are best enjoyed dipped in ketchup or mustard and accompanied by a Camel Unfiltered and disease-ridden prostitute. 10/11/04

Touched Inappropriately by Uncle Fun
*NSYNC Lip Balm and Vanilla Ice Bubble Gum: Both are delicious in more ways than one and no one can argue that they're not lots of fun! 10/7/04

Are You an 'American Girl?'
After Lisa had her fill of bone crushers and vaginal specula, she was ready for something new. Her friend leaned over to mention that Chicago is home to an American Girl store; she now knew where to spend the afternoon. 10/5/04

The Magical Money Clip: A Love Story
I came to possess the magical money clip by rifling through the pants of my latest carnal conquest. I met her at a Midget Love support group where she was seeking help for an unhealthy obsession with Jack Purvis. 10/3/04

A Few Guilty Pleasures
Most of you aren't closet smack addicts; but there are other secrets -- many worse than heroin -- you're probably not telling. Lisa, also living in the shadow of shame, would like to confess a few personal low points. 9/29/04

Star Trek XXX: The Passion of the Sulu
What a conundrum! When Sulu is faced with a difficult decision, he can always rely on the infinite wisdom of one man to guide him...What would Captain Kirk do? 9/26/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- A Nice Day for a White (Trash) Wedding
When I spied something in "the wife's" hand, it all came rushing back to me. How could I have forgotten that only yesterday we had received an invitation to the Britney Spears / Kevin Federline wedding? 9/22/04

If All Else Fails, Lisa Can't Work at Hooters Either
Are hooters "tig ole bitties" as my friend Megan would say, or are they merely innocent owls? The management isn't talking except to say, "In the end, we hope Hooters means a great place to eat." 9/21/04

I Believe the Girl Scouts are Our Future
Junior Girl Scout, Bitsy Bascomb, lives in a trailer with her mama, Aunt Teri, step-brother Jason-Tom, four dogs and two step-daddies. To earn her newest badge, Bitsy interviewed her mama about their family history. 9/18/04

Flick Does Fuck Flicks
It's time to put the spotlight on a former child actor whose adult acting career has verged not just on the HOT, but also, on the SWEATY. What's he doing now? There's no sugar coating this one: Flick does fuck flicks. 9/11/04

The Adventures of Me and Jack, Part II
Jack Klugman would play until you could see his lungs sweating through the chest hair. I love Jack Klugman like a brother, but had to turn my head and pretend not to notice his hopelessness at least once per game. 9/11/04

Catching Up with the Camerons
Kirk is not the only Cameron whose memory still lingers. It must have been a challenge to cast a schleppy best friend for Candace who tipped the ugly scale further than she did. The whole show was rank with fuglies. 9/8/04

Meat Porn: Meat That Can't Be Beat!
Lisa conducted her own study by preparing selected meat recipes from vintage cook books and serving them to three lucky chest-beating males and Fatty Patty, an obese blow-up sex doll. 9/6/04

Back to School '69 Style - Part II
Hey, Sports! Summer's drawing to a close -- it's time to stop hitting the waves and start hitting the books! It's Back to School time! Even though mom is still picking out your clothes, she cant' go wrong with JC Penney! 8/30/04

Back to School '69 Style - Part I
Hey Girls, it's that time of year -- Back to School! Gee whiz, you don't know how to put together the latest look? Turn that frown upside down because the JC Penney Summer 1969 Catalog is here to help! 8/26/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- An Adventure in Coach
I looked closer at Ms. Cho and realized with horror that there appeared to be a penis lurking beneath all that cloth. My eyes bulged. I opened my mouth but, for once, nothing came out. Margaret Cho was a man! 8/25/04

Miss SweatpantsErection 2004
Good evening and welcome to the Miss SweatpantsErection 2004 Pageant! I'm your host, Tempest Bledsoe. My co-host is remembered as a member of New Edition. Please welcome Mister Bobby Brown! 8/21/04

The Ninja Store!
I'd often wondered where a Young Urban Ninja might find weapons and instructional books and videos about how to kill people. What is this place you ask? Why it's The Ninja Store, of course! 8/12/04

The Little Actors that Could
For every actor who appears in a blockbuster opposite Vin Diesel, there are thousands eagerly awaiting their big break, languishing in the world of commercials. 8/7/04

This Day in History: August 2
August is not just a time to watch baseball fans get into fist fights. What your Hilary Duff calendar doesn't tell you is that August embraces a number of lesser known celebrations. 8/2/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Murder as Black as an Opal
Dinner convened at The Chateau Restaurant in the exclusive community of Pine Valley, that enclave of fabulous wealth and power. What a breath of fresh air to have nary a beggar or article of Gap clothing in sight! 7/27/04

Light a Candle in Memory of Elizabeth Berkley's Career
YOU CANNOT RESIST THE TEMPTATION OF SHOWGIRLS! GIVE IN, MORTAL! THE GHOST OF ELIZABETH BERKLEY'S CAREER HAS SPOKEN! 7/14/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Ellen Gets a Deal!
I marched past the Oriental collection, those dreadful sisals and the Mondrian-inspired contemporaries, when I spied Ms. Ellen DeGeneres! I recognized this as a story that deserved immediate attention. 7/8/04

The Karate Kid: Outsider No More
I was home sick the other day and decided to check out what daytime movies television had to offer. My throat chose the right day to inflame; I had the whole afternoon to bask in the cinematic glow of The Karate Kid. 7/6/04

Caddy Smack: Lisa is a Public Menace!
I'm what you call a "pull hitter." Sometimes I swing early and the ball sails foul into left field. This usually isn't a problem, but up against wind so strong that it causes camel toe, a premature swing can be dangerous. 7/3/04

An Olsen Orgy: Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate and Ashley!
Everyone knows about the websites that count down the days until the Olsens' are legal. What do they expect? Of course perverts will pick up on this. Perverts like Lisa and Dominic. 6/14/04

The Time Bandits: The Littlest Classic
Time Bandits is the story of Kevin, six dwarves, and their adventures through time with Captain Planet, Sean Connery and, umm, God. 6/8/04

A Romantic Dinner for Two
It was one of those Fridays where there was nothing going on. Ho hum, another week of work is done, but now what? Tap tap. Anyone up for a Thumb War? I know. Let's go to The Sizzler! 6/12/04

Lake Stevens, Man About Town -- Kirstie Alley is Slippery!
I stopped by a West Hollywood Walgreens on my way home from my feng shui macrobiotic cooking class. I was surprised to see none other than screen legend and Veronica's Closet star, Kirstie Alley! 6/8/04

10 Things I Learned from 90210
My golden years were spent with the gang from West Beverly High. Every Wednesday I'd tune in to see just how far Dylan's downward spiral could go. Andrea's pregnant? Who would sleep with her? 6/8/04

Who's the Better TV Mom: Meredith Baxter (Birney) or Judith Light?
When an actress raises a TV family, how much influence can we pin on the woman behind the prime time magic? Did Judith play a role in Jonathan's gayness? 6/6/04

Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson: I Think They're Alone Now.
Now that a good 15 years has passed since the peak of their stardom, the time has come for you to choose between another powerful two-some of teenage diva past: Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson. 5/5/04

The Grim Lives of Game Show Hosts
I would like to briefly expose those special hosts who were only smiling toothily on the outside. Inside, their lives were blinking, beeping, spinning, clapping, big money worlds of pain. 4/28/04

He-Man and the Masters of the Rainbow
Beastman is always eavesdropping, or there's Grizzlor or Fisto telling me I've got to hatch a new plot for world domination. I just can't be myself, you know? Sometimes a girl just wants to put her feet up, finish those 'think spring!' greeting cards and have a cocktail. 4/19/04

Steven Seagal Saved My Life.
I'd love to tell you that my life flashed before my eyes and I realized in that moment that I should have spent more time with my kids or some zen bullshit like that. But I was drunk and the best I could come up with was "FUCK!" I really meant it, though. 4/18/04

My Dog Can Eat Anything and Not Die.
Pork the Pug's Bunger, in addition to serving as an exit for all that he eats, is the portal to another dimension. Once inside, all time slows to one-sixth speed -- much like gravity on the moon. The Bunger does not control the tides, but it does have other magical powers. 4/16/04

The Adventures of Me and Jack, Part I
Jack, he pulled a pen-knife out of his pocket. Something wicked was in his eye, but this was Jack-motherfucking-Klugman! He'd never hurt a fly unless they'd murdered someone during prime-time! 4/12/04

The John Hughes switch-a-roo
I think that Duckie was simply in the wrong John Hughes movie at the wrong time. If all stood right with the world, he already would have sired several children with Watts from Some Kind of Wonderful. 4/12/04

The Violent Video Game Hall of Fame
Present me with a list of the top ten video games for any year since 1983 and I guarantee that I have played them all. I love video games of all shapes and sizes. Thing is, I prefer my games bloody. 4/4/04

Random Corey Musings
There were good 80's movies and then there were movies starring the Coreys. The power wielded by the team of Corey and Corey during their peak was formidable, much like that of the Wonder Twins. 4/2/04

Barbie: Childhood Pleasures Unseen
Skipper fell in with a rough crowd and had her face cut up with a bottle. With her scalp patchy, she dyed her hair green and caught syphilis. Disfigured, she returned to her big sister, Barbie, for help. 3/29/04

Dan Will Become a Pop Sensation.
One man's transformation from average joe into "The Guy Who Tagged Cameron Diaz, Janet Jackson, Britney Spears AND Justin Timberlake's Mom" begins here. 3/28/04