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They Are Just Like Us: Celebrity Resolutions

January 2, 2005

But darling, blonds always have more fun. Happy Aught Five! The second day of this Happy New Year finds me holed up inside watching yet another Lifetime movie. It has been pouring rain for twelve days straight and my house has taken on the delicate aroma of wet dog; I love San Francisco winters. Luckily this particular movie features a Very Special Appearance by a Very Blond wheelchair-bound Joan Collins (at least there's one redeeming element). It also takes place in San Francisco...on decidedly more sunny days. Bastards.

Let's Get Physical Now that the holidays are thankfully over, it's time to move forward with all the resolutions you may or may not have made. After Christmas (happy birthday Jesus!), a friend's (unfortunately non-Elvis) wedding in Las Vegas and singing a hot selection of Air Supply and Olivia Newton John songs in a Chinatown karaoke bar on New Year's Eve, I need to spend some quality time detoxing. Watching trash television is as good a start as any to my road to recovery.

I don't remember the last time I made a New Year resolution. It could have been in college when I was paying lip service to "I'm going to quit smoking." (I eventually did…but not then. It took a few more years...and then a few more. Smoky the Bear says: kids, don't ever start). Other past resolutions have included the industry standards: eat better, exercise more, take my vitamins, stop beating the dog, wish I may wish I might, save more money, call my mother, wash. None ever seem to stick.

Oh my God, I'm so fat. Since I've long given up on my own goals for self betterment, I thought it more appropriate to take a look at what our favorite celebrities hope the New Year will bring for them. In their own words, celebrity resolutions for 2005:

Mary-Kate Olsen
I resolve to lose 18 pounds. My upper arms are so flabby and disgusting. How can I possibly show my face in public with all this fat hanging from my chin? No wonder Ashley is the one getting Emmy nominations...I'm so grotesque and huge that I can't blame them. My Thinspiration for 2005 will be Marilyn Monroe. She's got to be a skeleton by now, right? You can't get skinnier than that.

Anna Nicole Smith
Auahgaggaghgh Oh my gawwwd...you like my baahdy? I love new yearsh! What? Res..resholution..? Oh, like you mean like what I'm goin' to do an' stuff. I'm gonna Trimspa, baby! I guess I'll find me a new man...I'm not gettin' my money from that old dead bastard, I need someone to pay for my new tits and my booze an' to help take care a' Sugar Pie. Hey, y'all got sumthin' to drink 'round here? Mama needs some medicine! I'll put my top back on if I fuggin' feel like it. Git yer hands off me! I'm a fuggin' celebrity, you can't touch me! Trimspa Trimspa! Where's Howard? I want Howard! You like my bod..ody? I goin' ta get a new man. Gimme a doughnut. I want a chili dog...where's my lawyer? Howwward! Martha Stewart, killer.

Martha Stewart
When I get out of the correctional facility, I'm going to bake a cake big enough for the whole world. Filled with arsenic. Frosted with a lovely balsamic-reduction buttercream and studded with dried Mission figs, they'll never suspect a thing. Fabulous. I can't believe they won't let me use my vibrator in here. I'm going to fucking kill someone.

Britney Spears, future mom of America Britney Spears
I was thinkin' that it was high time that I put out a book a po-ems. You know, like Jewel. She done pretty well fer herself. Now that I be fixin' to make a whole lotta babies with my man, I'll have a lotta time to, um, like write and stuff. You got a cigarette? In fact, I might already be pregnant right now...but y'all won't tell nobody, right? It'll be our lil' secret. I got to be on my way, Mr. Federline is meetin' me at the Tropicana. We got some drinkin' to do. I love you, all my fans! Don't you fuckin' touch me!

Courtney Love
I'm gonna get fucked up! Oh, and maybe try to get back custody of Frances Bean. But first things first.

The Seed that Wouldn't Die

Michael Douglas
It's about time I had another baby. I'm only 102 years old; there's plenty of time.

Donnie Wahlberg
2005 is going to be my comeback year. Can I borrow some change for the bus?

Tara Reid
Like I've been saying for like the last million years, I'm totally going to cut back on partying this year. I so can't I'm totally, like, respectable now and stuff. believe what people keep saying about me. I mean, people can change, can't they? I might even take, like, some business classes...or like, um, fashion design. I can totally design hand bags. Nikki's done alright for herself. If that slut can make it, why can't I? Yeah so, I'm only going to go out five nights a week from now on. It's so hard, though, you know because then Paris gets hooked up with this killer coke and, well, there I am, my feet back behind my head. But for real, I'm going to, like, get respectable. Maybe be in a TV drama or something. That Alias show is pretty cool. You like my new boobs? These are what I promised myself last year -- see, I can follow through with resolutions. Proof, right here. What? Why didn't you tell me my nose was bleeding? Fuck!

I will soon own the world. Tom Hanks
I'm signed on to do six more movies where I demonstrate my prowess in adopting regional accents from around the world. I'm currently trying to master the Khoisan languages for my upcoming role in an inspiring East African drama involving one boy's journey into manhood while living among the natives. The clicking sounds are a bit difficult, but I'm confident that I'll have it by the time shooting starts in February. Spielberg's directing it and Helen Hunt will play my love interest. She's great as an inquisitive, yet sprightly anthropologist who uncovers an ancient city and then realizes that the greatest thing she's found is me. It's going to be a great year. I predict another four or five Academy nods. Would you mind wiping my ass? I don't really feel like doing it right now. Don't forget: I can buy and sell your children.

I really just want to be alone.

Gary Coleman
Can't you just leave me alone?

My mustache, my love

Tom Selleck
I think it's time that the mustache come back into style. No one had a 'stache like me. If they did, I just killed them. Please, will someone pet my chest hair? It won't bite -- I promise!

Air and water, it's all I need.

Calista Flockhart
I might eat something this March. Or maybe in July. It really depends on my schedule. I just don't want to start my period again. Harrison is a bit squeamish when it comes to fluids.

Want to see my glass eye?

Peter Falk
I'm just going to recline on my Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, fondly recall the glory days of Columbo and try to remember what it's like to have an erection. Hey, wait -- I can do a magic trick! Want me to pop out my glass eye? No? Oh, well, some other time then.

Just don't mark my face. Whitney Houston
I'm going to kick the crack. Oh, and I'm going to be a better Black Muslim. And make sure to service my man more frequently. Put out a new record...that is, if I get my voice back. Bobby got a little bit angry when I was caught (again) in JFK with a quarter ounce. He kind of choked me until Allah almost took me back into his bosom. Please, baby, just don't hit me in front of the children.

Please tea bag me.

Tom Cruise
I will finally reveal my other life as a bottom in the leather community. Barebacks need only apply.


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