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Enough with the Little Dogs!

April 4, 2005

The little dogs are out of control.

Humiliation 101 Handbags, jewelry, ponchos, belts, diaphragms...these have become secondary accessories to a smartly attired Chihuahua. If you're female and want to make it in Hollywood, forget about talent, looks or a well-connected Daddy (Aaron Spelling). You've got to have a Chanel-clad rat-dog in your arms.

If you're scratching your head over what brought this preponderance of small dogs, I think I can finger the culprit. Miss Congeniality 2:  Armed and Fabulous Word has it she's making upwards of $15 million per picture these days. I'm not talking about Sandra Bullock and her most recent malefaction, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005). Even though I'd dearly like to add to the list of reasons why I already hate her, Miss Bullock is off the hook...this time. No, the guilty party in question is known for her naturally blonde locks and pert upturned nose. Goddamn you Reese Witherspoon and the pink horse you rode in on.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, REESE WITHERSPOON Reese, of course, is the star of Legally Blonde (2001) and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde (2003). As Elle Woods, she plays aspiring lawyer whose fixations include anything and everything pink (the pole and the hole?), being blonde and her couture-coordinated Chihuahua, Bruiser. Bruiser, like his mama, is always dressed to the jowls in hot, insufferable pink.

Don't get me wrong; the dog-toting/dog-dressing phenomenon is nothing new. Legally Blonde cannot be credited with creating the whole movement. Most prominently practiced by divorcees between the ages of 45 and 75, dog-dressing quietly existed under the cultural radar for decades. This all changed with the debut of Miss Witherspoon's theatrical pink splash. No longer just for old ladies and empty-nesters, Legally Blonde made it acceptable for the public at large to shove Fifi into a tutu, adorn her with freshwater pearls and take her to the grocery store. Pandora's Box opened and rhinestone-encrusted Shih Tzus came flying out. Dark times had arrived.

Hey Kids! Collect them all!
If you'd like more Bruiser (and who wouldn't?!?), you can purchase this adorable stuffed version of Elle's favorite pet. It comes with a matching carrying case and the knowledge that you are a loser -- all for only $30 dollars! It's a must have for any eager, wannabe starlet. No messy clean up! Bruiser says Woof, Woof!

Backstreet's Back....Alright!

Legally Blonde kicked it off; now everyone has an accessory that shits. Paris, Nicole, Britney, Jessica, Jewel and Mariah have all got one. So does Backstreet Boy AJ McLean. (I wanted to be sure that the men were represented). They can't go anywhere without their little well-heeled ball of fluff.

Hilary Duff

Ahh, here she is with her newest pet, Chiquita. Hilary Duff, in addition to her many talents (choosing the right lipstick color for her skin tone, sucking all the filling out of a Cadbury egg through a hole the size of a pinhead, breathing), is working on a dog clothing line. Inspired by her favorite canine that passed away a year ago, she's calling the collection Little Dog Duff. Score one for Duff, zero for Lohan. (Are they still "feuding?" The time for naked wrestling has arrived.)

Little Dog Duff proceeds support a spay and neuter clinic and Hilary's PCP habit.

Think Only Little Girls (and Backstreet Boys) Can Have Little Dogs?
Slash:  Still. A. Bad. Ass. If you need a bit of burly convincing, look no further than former Guns N' Roses guitarist, Slash (née Saul Hudson...a little bit rock and roll, a little bit Jew). One might think that a leash held by a man of Slash's stature would sport a Rottweiler on the other end...or at least something that weighs more than ten pounds. Before you jump to conclusions, let me gently remind you that, just as you should never judge a rocker by the size of his codpiece, you should never underestimate a Pomeranian wearing a doggie tennis visor. This is Slash's Pomeranian...and it's got an appetite for destruction (sorry). Not only does this vicious necrophile drink the blood Axl Rose of virgins on stage, he's ripped out the throat of more than one groupie who was too closely vying for Slash's affections. Think that Axl's new nose, brow lift and cheek implants were constructed purely for vanity's sake? Think again. Slash's little ball of fur would have taken off more than Axl's upper face had it not been for eight naked sluts who came to his rescue. The horror, the horror.

Celebrities Who Look like Their Dogs

It happens to the worst of them.
Anna Big Hole Smith
Anna Bighole Smith and Sugar Pie
She may be (less) fat for the moment, but mark my words, the heifer will low again. During her train wreck of a show, I recall Sugar Pie was dosed up on doggie Prozac. This was largely due to his misfortune of always being at eye level with Anna's gigantic ass after she wedged it between the table legs again. Howard!!

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci and Chili Dog
Forehead to body ratio: 10 to 1.

Tori Spelling and Mimi La Rue

Donna Martin graduates! I have something in common with Ms. Spelling. I also own a fat, lethargic pug. I think I'd prefer Dan's reaction if he caught me with a guilty look and a midget than if he happened upon me putting pink booties on the dog.

If we could read Mimi's thoughts:
Swee' Jesus, this bitch's rib cage is gouging into my liver. Please don't make me have to watch her binge and purge every night.

If Tori weren't constructed entirely of plastic and gristle, Mimi might be a little more tempted to take a bite and end her torment.

As an aside: Tori Spelling has also (inadvertently) been likened to rats by Nicole Richie. Nicole explains,

"I gave Paris Hilton a rat called Tori Spelling for Christmas, and Paris loved her. I told Tori about how I named my rat after her and (she) tried to pretend it was funny, but I could tell it hurt her feelings.

"Tori felt I think her face looks like a rat's, but I actually own six rats and I named each after a character on Beverly Hills, 90210, like Shannen Doherty and Luke Perry. My mother freaks out about my rats and is always trying to make me get rid of them because I am obsessed with them, but I love them and so does Paris.''

Bow wow whoa yippee yo yippe yay.

Speaking of Nicole Richie...
Granted, Nicole would look like any breed that she might find in her second fiddle heart to befriend. However, Honey (on the left) is a particularly convincing choice of canine companion. Clay and his number one Claymate

Clay Aiken and Raleigh
Clay's first choice of "Claymate" (before a well-built, scantily clad Hawaiian native, of course) is little Raleigh. Raleigh is named after Clay's home city in North Carolina. That's really thoughtful and touching. As touching as the insides of Clay's colon before Raleigh got too big to fit. Good (pant) dog.

Bubbles -- Not a dog, but Worth Mention
Before the little boys Chimps recognize when they're being violated. Don't assume that because it's of simian make up, it won't tattle. Even when you ply it with gifts and give it wine in a Coke can, the bastard can still turn on you. They can be downright mean. You cured his cancer and this is the thanks you get? Well, I never... That's ignorant.

My dog is better than these. Give Pork a Bone.

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