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Career Suicide: Her Cries for Help Fell on Deaf Ears

April 14, 2005 Sunny Smiles Suicide Prevention

Hello, Sunny Smiles Suicide Prevention. Your life is in our hands. How may we help you?

Huh-hello? (sobbing) ...Oh my God...

Ma'am, please, you've come to the right place. We're here to help you. Now take a deep breath. Can you tell me your name? My name is Toni-with-an-i.

Oh my God! I think I'm dying! I've like totally killed myself!

Toni-with-an-i Ma'am, have you inflicted harm on yourself? Have you swallowed anything dangerous? Pills? Poison? Should I send an ambulance?

Like, I'm totally dying. (sniff)

Ma'am, have you done anything to harm yourself physically?


Ok, good. That's very good. Now...can you tell me your name? This call is completely confidential and I won't share anything you say with anyone else. Ok? What is your name?

Um, Br-Britney.

Ok, Britney. I want you to take a breath and exhale very slowly. Take your time. I'm here as long as you need me to be. Can you tell me what you've been thinking about?

Um, well, I didn't mean to, but I...I think I...oh God! (sobbing resumes)

Britney, it's ok. You're here with me now. I won't hurt you. You're safe. You can trust me.

I didn't mean to do it...but...I'm not that innocent.

What did you do? Remember, Britney, there are no judgments here at Sunny Smiles. Just happy times and ice cream -- that's what we're all about.

I mean, I thought that it was all a game - and at first it was! I thought y'all would like me no matter what. I never thought it would come to...suicide.

Britney, what do you mean? Did one of your friends commit suicide? Have you lost someone close to you?

Britney Spears I guess you could kinda say so...everything happened so fast. One minute I was one of the world's biggest sex symbols...the next, I'm married and am having a baby with an unemployed back-up dancer who had to take a loan out for my ring. I just wanted to put my career on hold a bit. What's wrong with startin' a family? I love the little ones, after all. I just never thought...I never thought that career suicide would happen to me. Me! Britney Spears!

Holy shit, this is Britney Spears!?! You've got to be fucking joking.

Huh uh, I'm the real thing right here.

Oh my God -- could you say it this just once. Say...say: hit me baby one more time. Please, c'mon -- you'll make me so happy.

Hit me baby one more time.

Mary Kate Olsen Great! Fantastic. I can't wait to tell Linda about this one! And she thought she was such hot shit when that Olsen twin called in. I can never remember which one…probably that anorexic. She always has such dark circles under her eyes. No wonder she wears those horrible huge sunglasses all the time. I half expect her to be carrying a cane--

I thought y'all said that you wouldn't tell anyone what I said here.

What? Oh, of course, of course. I was just kidding...Britney... Seriously, you're Britney Spears?

I'm fucking gonna hang up.

No! No, wait! I'm sorry. I'm being very unprofessional. I mean I am only a community college freshman in Missouri getting $6.75 an hour to talk to suicidals and drug addicts...however I do have some level of decorum.

What's decorum?

Never mind. Let's get back to your problem... I can't believe I'm actually talking to Britney Spears. Sorry. I mean, please...Mrs. Federline...continue.

Yeah, well, so you know, the weight gain and all. I really just like to eat whatever I want, y'know? I don't think there's anything wrong with eatin' a roast beef with lots of mayo right there barefoot in the gas station. I never thought that biting my toenails up on my balcony would mean anything. I'm like a huge fuckin' star! I can do whatever the fuck I want!

Britney Spears, upset Britney--

--An' just cause I want to take a break from my singin' don't mean that I'm not gonna come back with something really hot. I mean, I aint dead. They're like totally gonna write a really great song for me. I mean all I hafta do is french Christina Aguilera onstage somewhere and I'm, like, totally back.

Britney, it sounds like you're in denial. You wore a track suit at your wedding. You ate fried chicken with your hands. I think the best route is to start to cope with your loss. Your career is dead. It's not going to come back. Not today, not tomorrow, not in five years. You have to come to terms with this before you can start to be healthy again.

But...but...my manager said that it would never die! Bitch, are you calling him a liar?

Now Britney, there's no reason to insult me. I'm the only one giving it to you straight.

Britney and the Chimp Britney, most of the people close to you don't have the balls to tell you that you've ruined a good thing. They bit their tongues because you were the big star paying their way. Now that you've not only married a trained chimp in a trucker cap, but are having his baby to boot, everyone is laughing at you. Go on...take a long, hard look at your life. No one else can be blamed for this. You must come to terms that you chose to end a life in its prime. Your career cannot be resuscitated. It is finished.

What the hell? I mean, I thought you people were gonna help me out?

Britney, I don't know if I've ever said this before...but there is nothing I can do to help you. The quick fix of aborting your child, divorcing the talentless monkey with whom you share your bed, losing 25 pounds and brushing up on your English might help...but probably not enough.

I can't believe you're fucking talkin' to me like this!

Britney, it's time someone did. Now...I've got homework to do. Good luck with everything.


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