Celebrity Caterwaul: Actors Who Think They Can Sing
November 10, 2004
I can no longer remain silent; it's time to address something dirty and
vicious that's come to curse our society. Before you jump to conclusions,
I want it to be clear that I'm not referring to Oprah's Book Club, Dr. Phil or
even the low-carb craze. These things are all undoubtedly evil; yet there
is another, most maleficent, malady infecting our culture like a flesh eating
virus. Who keeps telling these actors they can sing!?!
Consumers are faced with the daunting task of sorting through stacks of truly
terrible music in order to find something that won't make their ears bleed or
their stomachs turn over. This already Herculean task should not be made more
difficult by the arrival of new "artists" such as Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff,
Jennifer Love Hewitt, Minnie Driver and Paris Hilton. These "singers"
only scratch the surface; a parade of (horribly lied to and mislead) Hollywood stars has
attempted to cross the rickety bridge from acting to pop music. In
99 out of 100 cases, this was not a wise career move.
Lindsay Lohan & Hilary Duff
Since I already mentioned these two little nymphets, I thought I'd cut right
to the chase by saying to Lindsay and Hilary: YOU CANNOT SING. Wow, I feel
so much better.
If you follow the gossip papers (and even if you don't, I will gladly fill you
in), you'll know that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff were the best of friends
until -- what else -- a boy and his penis came between them. This was not any
boy...oh dear lord, no. This was [insert sighing and giggling here] Aaron Carter.
Aaron Carter is the dreamy younger brother of Back Street Boy Nick Carter. (Nick Carter was,
until recently, the boyfriend of Paris Hilton, who we shall discuss below. Nick
was under suspicion for beating up Miss Hilton after she appeared in public
with a black eye. However, it wasn't Nick who cocked her (at least not with his
fist), but most likely Haylie Duff, Hilary's older sister. Haylie and Paris have been
embroiled in a bitter battle over the single Screwed; both girls have recorded the song
and are now racing to be the first to put it out. Whew! My life is so boring compared
to people who have a sixth grade education.) Anyway, Aaron was with
Hilary until -- uh oh -- he dumped her for Lindsay. That put a quick end to the
friendship. Lindsay has since moved on to Wilmer blah blah, the "foreign kid"
on That 70's Show. Aaron, ever the sheepish one, came full circle and
professed his love to a now-uninterested Hilary. Teenage love triangles are so exciting!
This lead up to the current battle royale between the estranged girlfriends.
Instead of settling their differences through text messaging, Hilary and Lindsay have opted
to go the Biggie/Tupac route; they're hashing it out through the power of lyrics.
The title track to Hilary's new album, Haters, gives us a peek into her world
of pain. Lindsay, girl, you best be watchin' your back.
You say your boyfriend's sweet and kind
But you've still got your eyes on mine
Your best friend's got her eyes on yours
It all goes on behind closed doors
And when you're nice it's just a pose
You're one of those
Lindsay, not to be outdone, counters Duff's allegations with her new single, Rumors:
I'm tired of rumors startin'
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lyin;
Sayin' what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is
I'm no music critic, but if history repeats itself (which it usually does), I'd
say someone is about to get shot. I eagerly await the documentary.
Paris is Burning
I realize she's not an actor, but Paris Hilton had to be in here; her attempts to prove she has more to offer
the world than her vagina are starting to get ridiculous. Her new album, Paris is Burning, is supposedly set
to come out in February 2005. As the real Paris always keeps the public
guessing, the name of her album is a double-entendre that provides even more
mystery and intrigue to her already mysterious and intriguing image. The first
and most obvious meaning one can draw from the title is that she has nasty case
of herpes. Paris, honey, there's no shame in having herpes. Shame only comes
when everyone else finds out about it. Perhaps using the title of your album to broadcast your "delicate condition"
to the 9,001 people and/or animals you've had sex with isn't the most sensitive way to alert
them that they should be on the look out for oozing sores.
A second, and more subtle, interpretation of the album title is brought to light
when one examines the film of the same name from 1991. Paris is Burning, the
movie, is a documentary depicting the drag balls thrown by inner city black and
Latino gay men in Harlem during the 80s. Don't hold me to this, but I think
someone in the Hilton camp is setting the stage for her next big bombshell.
I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but I suspect the press and
Rick Solomon will be caught completely off guard: Paris Hilton is a post-op
transsexual. It makes perfect sense! Who else would appear in public in those
"outfits" other than a cheap Vegas Showgirl or a tranny. (Face it, we all
know she's not showgirl material...)
Whether or not she was born with a dick, Paris' first public performance still ended
with the audience booing her off the stage. It seems best that she stick to her
more lucrative career in porn. After all, three best selling videos can't
Paris Hilton's budding porn career provides the perfect segue way to our next
struggling songstress. Despite her attempts to clean up her image, Traci Lords
is still best known for illegally starring in approximately 100 X-rated films when she
was a minor. Her road to legitimacy began when she legally changed her name to
Traci Elizabeth Lords (you can run, but...) and continued with appearances in John
Waters' Cry Baby, the Stephen King mini series, The Tommyknockers and a guest
role on Melrose Place. In 1995 she released the techno album, 1000 Fires.
(Again, is it herpes? gonorrhea?)
In 1995 I was a senior in high school. One of the only things that kept me sane
was my involvement in the school's student-run radio station. The
station received daily music samples from dozens of labels. Most were complete
crap and ended up in the reject pile. I was digging through this one day and --
lo and behold -- the new Traci Lords CD sifted to the top. At the time, I viewed
the album less as "the triumph of a former porn star, rising like a phoenix from
the ashes" than "how much money can I get for this at the used CD store."
Sorry, Traci -- I just didn't believe. Even in the original shrink wrap, it
still only brought me a dollar. The record store didn't believe either.
Admittedly, David Hasselhoff is a cliche at this point. Still, I can't resist including him,
as he truly is the worst of the lot. Mr. Hasselhoff is the living embodiment of the term "really big in Germany." If you
believe his side of things, he is largely responsible for helping to reunite the people of East
and West Germany as the Berlin Wall came down in 1989. Mr. Hasselhoff, onhand for
the historic event, belted out Looking for Freedom from atop the Wall. He was
recently quoted in Germany's TV Spielfilm magazine, "I find it a bit sad that
there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint
Charlie." David, even the Germans draw the line at bestowing such honor upon a
man who, prior to his stint on Baywatch, was best known for starring opposite a
Don't be fooled by the tough exterior; he claims that he's a reincarnated 17th-century
Tibetan monk named Chungdrag Dorje. (Hey Steven -- you're from Lansing, Michigan -- one of
the buttholes of the Midwest!) Like most Buddhist
monks, he has starred in a string of violent action movies including Half Past Dead,
Out for a Kill, Hard to Kill and Marked for Death. Monk Seagal's first album,
Songs from the Crystal Cave, was released exclusively in France in May 2004.
If you are dying to get your hands on a copy, you can access it through the
French version of Amazon.com. If you aren't interested, he'll still find you
and cut you.
Robert Downey Jr.
He figures if Courtney Love can be a junkie and still (sort of) have a career,
why can't he? The album is due out later this month.
I always save the best for last. Corey Feldman is well known for royally fucking up his life
with smack and booze. After he finally kicked the drugs, Corey decided
to offer us a piece of his suffering by going musical. Thanks, dude. He has released two albums: the 1994
solo effort, Love Left and 1999's Still Searching for Soul with his band, the
Corey Feldman Truth Movement. There's not a whole lot left to say about Corey
that I haven't already said. However, I hope the next time he goes on tour, he thinks
about his old pal, Corey Haim. Haim's been somewhat down in the dumps...no work, no woman,
an extra 150 pounds. He could use some roadie work. Doing some heavy lifting would
start working off that post-heroin addiction bloat. Peace.
There are MANY others who I didn't feel like singling out today. These people were
recording albums when they should have been doing something more useful like
overdosing or purging.
- Alyssa Milano
- Minnie Driver
- Russell Crowe
- Juliette Lewis
- The Miami Vice Cast
- Eddie Murphy
- Keanu Reeves
- Johnny Depp
- Rick Springfield
- Natalie Imbruglia
- William Shatner
- John Travolta
- Jennifer Lopez
- Jamie Lynn DiScala (Meadow on The Sopranos)
- Bruce Willis
- Clint Eastwood
- Farrah Fawcett
- Spinal Tap
- Burt Reynolds
- Jack Wagner
- Gina Gershon
- Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke)
- Patrick Swayze