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Celebrity Caterwaul: Actors Who Think They Can Sing

November 10, 2004

Die I can no longer remain silent; it's time to address something dirty and vicious that's come to curse our society. Before you jump to conclusions, I want it to be clear that I'm not referring to Oprah's Book Club, Dr. Phil or even the low-carb craze. These things are all undoubtedly evil; yet there is another, most maleficent, malady infecting our culture like a flesh eating virus. Who keeps telling these actors they can sing!?!

Close encounters with a crimper
Consumers are faced with the daunting task of sorting through stacks of truly terrible music in order to find something that won't make their ears bleed or their stomachs turn over. This already Herculean task should not be made more difficult by the arrival of new "artists" such as Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Minnie Driver and Paris Hilton. These "singers" only scratch the surface; a parade of (horribly lied to and mislead) Hollywood stars has attempted to cross the rickety bridge from acting to pop music. In 99 out of 100 cases, this was not a wise career move.

Lindsay Lohan & Hilary Duff

Since I already mentioned these two little nymphets, I thought I'd cut right to the chase by saying to Lindsay and Hilary: YOU CANNOT SING. Wow, I feel so much better.

Whut? If you follow the gossip papers (and even if you don't, I will gladly fill you in), you'll know that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff were the best of friends until -- what else -- a boy and his penis came between them. This was not any boy...oh dear lord, no. This was [insert sighing and giggling here] Aaron Carter. Aaron Carter is the dreamy younger brother of Back Street Boy Nick Carter. (Nick Carter was, until recently, the boyfriend of Paris Hilton, who we shall discuss below. Nick was under suspicion for beating up Miss Hilton after she appeared in public Paris and Nick with a black eye. However, it wasn't Nick who cocked her (at least not with his fist), but most likely Haylie Duff, Hilary's older sister. Haylie and Paris have been embroiled in a bitter battle over the single Screwed; both girls have recorded the song and are now racing to be the first to put it out. Whew! My life is so boring compared to people who have a sixth grade education.) Anyway, Aaron was with Hilary until -- uh oh -- he dumped her for Lindsay. That put a quick end to the friendship. Lindsay has since moved on to Wilmer blah blah, the "foreign kid" on That 70's Show. Aaron, ever the sheepish one, came full circle and professed his love to a now-uninterested Hilary. Teenage love triangles are so exciting!

This lead up to the current battle royale between the estranged girlfriends. Instead of settling their differences through text messaging, Hilary and Lindsay have opted I know where you live, bitch to go the Biggie/Tupac route; they're hashing it out through the power of lyrics. The title track to Hilary's new album, Haters, gives us a peek into her world of pain. Lindsay, girl, you best be watchin' your back.

You say your boyfriend's sweet and kind
But you've still got your eyes on mine
Your best friend's got her eyes on yours
It all goes on behind closed doors
And when you're nice it's just a pose
You're one of those

Lindsay, not to be outdone, counters Duff's allegations with her new single, Rumors:

Hilary, Ima put a cap in your ass, girl.

I'm tired of rumors startin'
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lyin;
Sayin' what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

I'm no music critic, but if history repeats itself (which it usually does), I'd say someone is about to get shot. I eagerly await the documentary.

Paris is Burning

I realize she's not an actor, but Paris Hilton had to be in here; her attempts to prove she has more to offer the world than her vagina are starting to get ridiculous. Her new album, Paris is Burning, is supposedly set to come out in February 2005. As the real Paris always keeps the public guessing, the name of her album is a double-entendre that provides even more mystery and intrigue to her already mysterious and intriguing image. The first From Paris, with Love and most obvious meaning one can draw from the title is that she has nasty case of herpes. Paris, honey, there's no shame in having herpes. Shame only comes when everyone else finds out about it. Perhaps using the title of your album to broadcast your "delicate condition" to the 9,001 people and/or animals you've had sex with isn't the most sensitive way to alert them that they should be on the look out for oozing sores.

A second, and more subtle, interpretation of the album title is brought to light when one examines the film of the same name from 1991. Paris is Burning, the movie, is a documentary depicting the drag balls thrown by inner city black and Latino gay men in Harlem during the 80s. Don't hold me to this, but I think someone in the Hilton camp is setting the stage for her next big bombshell. I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but I suspect the press and In the Navy...don't ask, don't tell Rick Solomon will be caught completely off guard: Paris Hilton is a post-op transsexual. It makes perfect sense! Who else would appear in public in those "outfits" other than a cheap Vegas Showgirl or a tranny. (Face it, we all know she's not showgirl material...)

Whether or not she was born with a dick, Paris' first public performance still ended with the audience booing her off the stage. It seems best that she stick to her more lucrative career in porn. After all, three best selling videos can't be wrong.

Traci Lords

Traci Lords, jailbait Paris Hilton's budding porn career provides the perfect segue way to our next struggling songstress. Despite her attempts to clean up her image, Traci Lords is still best known for illegally starring in approximately 100 X-rated films when she was a minor. Her road to legitimacy began when she legally changed her name to Traci Elizabeth Lords (you can run, but...) and continued with appearances in John Waters' Cry Baby, the Stephen King mini series, The Tommyknockers and a guest role on Melrose Place. In 1995 she released the techno album, 1000 Fires. (Again, is it herpes? gonorrhea?)

How can I be of service, boys?

In 1995 I was a senior in high school. One of the only things that kept me sane was my involvement in the school's student-run radio station. The station received daily music samples from dozens of labels. Most were complete crap and ended up in the reject pile. I was digging through this one day and -- lo and behold -- the new Traci Lords CD sifted to the top. At the time, I viewed the album less as "the triumph of a former porn star, rising like a phoenix from the ashes" than "how much money can I get for this at the used CD store." Sorry, Traci -- I just didn't believe. Even in the original shrink wrap, it still only brought me a dollar. The record store didn't believe either.

David Hasselhoff

Admittedly, David Hasselhoff is a cliche at this point. Still, I can't resist including him, as he truly is the worst of the lot. Mr. Hasselhoff is the living embodiment of the term "really big in Germany." If you Rock you like a hurricane believe his side of things, he is largely responsible for helping to reunite the people of East and West Germany as the Berlin Wall came down in 1989. Mr. Hasselhoff, onhand for the historic event, belted out Looking for Freedom from atop the Wall. He was recently quoted in Germany's TV Spielfilm magazine, "I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie." David, even the Germans draw the line at bestowing such honor upon a man who, prior to his stint on Baywatch, was best known for starring opposite a talking car.

Steven Seagal

Reincarnated 17th Century douche Don't be fooled by the tough exterior; he claims that he's a reincarnated 17th-century Tibetan monk named Chungdrag Dorje. (Hey Steven -- you're from Lansing, Michigan -- one of the buttholes of the Midwest!) Like most Buddhist monks, he has starred in a string of violent action movies including Half Past Dead, Out for a Kill, Hard to Kill and Marked for Death. Monk Seagal's first album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, was released exclusively in France in May 2004. If you are dying to get your hands on a copy, you can access it through the French version of Amazon.com. If you aren't interested, he'll still find you and cut you.

Robert Downey Jr.

He figures if Courtney Love can be a junkie and still (sort of) have a career, why can't he? The album is due out later this month.

Corey Feldman

The truth is out there, Corey I always save the best for last. Corey Feldman is well known for royally fucking up his life with smack and booze. After he finally kicked the drugs, Corey decided to offer us a piece of his suffering by going musical. Thanks, dude. He has released two albums: the 1994 Oink solo effort, Love Left and 1999's Still Searching for Soul with his band, the Corey Feldman Truth Movement. There's not a whole lot left to say about Corey that I haven't already said. However, I hope the next time he goes on tour, he thinks about his old pal, Corey Haim. Haim's been somewhat down in the dumps...no work, no woman, an extra 150 pounds. He could use some roadie work. Doing some heavy lifting would start working off that post-heroin addiction bloat. Peace.

There are MANY others who I didn't feel like singling out today. These people were recording albums when they should have been doing something more useful like overdosing or purging.

  • Alyssa Milano
  • Minnie Driver
  • Russell Crowe
  • Juliette Lewis
  • The Miami Vice Cast
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Johnny Depp
  • Rick Springfield
  • Natalie Imbruglia
  • William Shatner
  • John Travolta
  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Jamie Lynn DiScala (Meadow on The Sopranos)
  • Bruce Willis
  • Clint Eastwood
  • Farrah Fawcett
  • Spinal Tap
  • Burt Reynolds
  • Jack Wagner
  • Gina Gershon
  • Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke)
  • Patrick Swayze

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