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Meat Porn: Meat That Can't Be Beat!
September 6, 2004
Can the meat of times past hold a candle to that which we are now accustomed?
In order to delve a little deeper into this topic, I have enlisted the help and
expert opinion of Pillsbury's Meat Cook Book (1970) and the
Better Homes & Gardens Ground Meat Cook Book (1969). These shall
serve as our guide into the heady and often seedy world of meat consumption.
I conducted my own study by preparing selected recipes from these cook books
and serving them to three lucky chest-beating males and Fatty Patty, an obese
blow-up sex doll. They rated the different entrees in four categories: Appearance,
taste, digestability (with a couple hours lag time) and overall meat experience.
I represent the control group (read: there was no way in hell that I was
going to eat that shit).
However, before I discuss the results of my experiment, I'd like to first review
some of the wonderful things you can do with (and to) the various meat groups --
specifically loaves, balls and wieners. I've included mouth-watering ideas and
recipes to tempt your taste buds and tickle your tummy. You won't have to worry
about covering up those "accidental" cigarette burns on your arms after reading this;
your man will come home to find dinner on the table and a smile on your face. All
you need is a really big knife and a can-do attitude. Ready? It's time to roll
up your sleeves and dig in!
Who Wants a Hot Beef Injection?
Beef has had its ups and downs over the years. On one hand it's a versatile food
source that contributes to the livelihood of the American Farmer & Cattle Rancher;
on the other, it's plagued with bad press, death and sorrow (e.g. e. Coli-ridden
hamburgers that turn your insides to mush, not to mention mad cow disease that may
lie dormant for over 30 years before eating holes in your brain). But wait, hold
the phone - there's no mad cow in the United States! Uh uh, not in Amer-ica.
Right.
But I digress. I'm here to talk about the positive and delicious things you can
make with beef and its brethren. Beginning with...
Meat Loaf!
Ummmm, doesn't that look divine? Top it with a little sour cream-cum sauce, garnish
with olives and you've got a tasty meal ready for your man when he arrives home from
his 12-hour shift at the calculator factory.
The good news is that meat loaf hardly stops with beef. You can also try upside-down
ham loaf, veal loaf, hidden treasure loaf, Mexican meat loaf, top-notch turkey loaf,
lamb loaf with olives, buttermilk ham loaf, salmon loaf, sausage-liver loaf, chili
loaf and meat loaf swirl. Did you recently have to put Sparky down for biting the
postman once too often? Times are hard and you shouldn't let good meat go to waste.
There's a great recipe for K-9 Loaf topped with crispy onion curls and corn flakes.
Hot diggity dog! No one will be the wiser: your family will enjoy their daily
allotment of crude proteins and you won't have to break your back digging that shallow
grave in the garden.
Keep in mind that you don't have to limit yourself to loaves - you can also try
Meat Bundt! Load up the center of your Meat Bundt creation with
a mix of Cream of Mushroom Soup, lima beans and corn for a colorful treat!
Who's got the biggest balls of them all?
If you want your meat experience to be a little more hands on, Meat Balls
are the way to go! As with the ever versatile loaf, balls can be as traditional
or original as you'd like.
Cherry-Sauced Ham Balls are certain to be a family favorite. Breaded ground
ham is fried in hot shortening and finished off with a drizzle of canned cherry pie
filling -- who could possibly say no? Scrumptious!
If Ham Balls don't make you salivate, Surprise Meatballs will! In
addition to pimiento stuffed olives, canned pineapple tidbits and cocktail onions,
these succulent beef balls also contain a few of the chef's missing Lee Press On Nails.
Who wants seconds?
Ready, Aim, Fire!
When company comes to dinner, you've got two things that top the list: hide the
"bad" porn and wow your guests with some eye-catching appetizers. You'll never
miss the mark with Bull's-eye Meatballs! Featuring ground beef patties
atop buttered Wonder Bread toasts and a tangy chili sauce center, your
guests will demand you take a "bow."
Wiener Takes All
There's nothing quite like walking in from the cold to find a big skillet of steaming
wieners waiting for you. Plump ground animal innards throbbing insistently against
intestinal casing...the chuckwagon has arrived!
Sausage, hotdog, kielbasa, frankfurter, penis. Whatever you call it, a wiener is still
a wiener. For the myriad of names by which this favorite meat product is known, there
are dozens of delicious ways to prepare it.
At any given time I have an assortment of wieners hanging from hooks in my home kitchen.
There's nothing quite like slow-aged pork and/or pork bi-product. At least that's what
Martha Stewart says, and she knows her wieners. When friends come to visit, they never
know what they'll find crammed into casing.
Most folks enjoy their wieners plain or inserted in warm white buns. However, if you
dare to be different, there is a whole wide world of wiener wonders waiting for you
out there. Let's have a looksee, shall we?
If your husband is "working late" (again) and you're in the mood for something thick, rich
and creamy, try some Corny Wiener Chowder! This hearty, velvety soup makes for
a blessed union of butter, wieners, creamed corn and cream of potato soup. You'll be
screaming "I do!" and actually mean it this time...not like when you got married at seven
months pregnant only to find that he, also, likes rich, creamy wieners. Corny Wiener Chowder
is ready in only 30 minutes!
Hot Dog S'Mores are a blast for the whole family! Made with wieners, butter, potato
flakes and processed cheese food product, your kids will be smacking their greedy little lips for more.
Best of all, you can prepare Hot Dog S'Mores in advance and store them in your refrigerator
for up to 5 days. This way the little ankle biters won't be bothering you about food when
the pool guy "just happens" to stop by to check your, um, filter. Don't worry about the oven
-- if four-year-old Joanie is old enough to work at Kathy Lee Gifford's Haitian sweatshop
making Lion King biballs, she certainly can handle reheating Hot Dog S'Mores at
400 degrees for 20 minutes.
* * * * *
Now that you've been introduced to the exciting world of meat cookery, it's time to see
how well our selected recipes fared with three hungry boys and Fatty Patty. On
tonight's menu:
- Hidden Treasure Loaf
- Frank & Corn Crown
- Milwaukee's Best
The invitations for the Meat Party were sent, the RSVPs were affirmative and it was
mere hours before a host of delectable dishes would grace the plates of my brave friends.
Having chosen the recipes I found most exemplary of the 1960s meat experience, I rushed
to the local market to arm myself with quality ingredients that support a diet low in
saturated fats and cholesterol.
I should mention that in order for my friends to partake in this exercise, there was
one stipulation: I could only use meat that they would normally consume. Therefore,
brains, livers, tongues, feet, hearts or assorted sweetbreads were not represented.
If this disappoints you, please accept my apology. I observed a few moments of silence
when I found I would not be able to prepare "Cheesy Tongue on Rice." Peeling
the calloused top layer off of a beef tongue has always been a fantasy of mine.
Part I: Hidden Treasure Loaf
In flipping through the Better Homes & Gardens Ground Meat Cook Book, one
cannot help but notice that loafs reign supreme. ALL kinds of loafs. (Yes, I realize
that the plural is "loaves," however "loafs" just says it so much better when you're
talking about meat.) I settled on Hidden Treasure Loaf. It provided the
opportunity to combine several kinds of ground and deviled meat into one loaf pan...as
well as a fabulous pirate's booty of hidden treasure in the center. Let's get our meat on.
Who doesn't love a good deal? If your local grocer is advertising two-for-one on
cantaloupes, I don't see why you should regard REDUCED for QUICK SALE Premium Ground
Beef any differently. You can see that I spared no expense on the pork.
I accepted your challenge, Hidden Treasure Loaf. I mixed thine beef and
pork together with bread crumbs, eggs, milk and worcestershire sauce with my BARE
HANDS. Well, except that they're covered in latex. Good thing I've got a whole box
of powdered size smalls under the sink. You never know when they'll come in hand-y.
Ahem.
You did not best me, oh Loaf Nemesis. Victory was mine.
There. It looked so pretty glinting off the bowl. The few specks of greenery were
pieces of snipped parsley. Take a good long look because this was the only fresh
"vegetable" in the entire meal.
Then came the loaf construction; spread two-thirds of the loaf mixture into a greased
loaf pan. Why only two-thirds? Because, sillies, we had to hide the treasure!
After all this build up, I found that the hidden treasure consisted of ham and Swiss
cheese cubes. Meh. And more parsley. I needed a mere 4 ounces of cubed ham. However,
since the grocery store did not have any hams less than 30 pounds, I opted instead
for the classic alternative: Underwood Deviled Ham Spread. My Freshman year
roommate went to high school with a guy whose family was responsible for the
Underwood Deviled Ham legacy. I went to a very bizarre heavy metal party
with him. This is only one of my many brushes with fame.
Now that I'd mixed up the hidden treasure surprise, I made a slight trough in the
loaf, then slathered the hammy treasure in the loaf trough. I covered it with more
loaf and made a tight seal around the edges. Later you'll see that I failed to seal
adequately. Much like the Ring of Power, my hidden treasure wanted to be found.
Great! It was ready to bake in a 350 degree oven for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I would
check back with Mr. Hidden Treasure Loaf later. But first I had to get cooking
on the Frank and Corn Crown.
Part II: Frank and Corn Crown
Even though the Frank and Corn Crown was a lot simpler to construct than
the Hidden Treasure Loaf, the end product produced a much better reaction
when placed before my guests. The glistening wieners, the breathtaking golden
yellow corn...I have seen what they eat in the promised land and it is called
Frank and Corn Crown.
I began by cooking the peppers and onions in enough butter to block the arteries
of a cow. I guess I lied about the parsley being the only fresh veggie, although
after the peppers were drowned in butter, I think they ceased to be plant matter.
This very well could have been Andre the Giant's final meal before he died of a
heart attack.
Then, using dinner rolls, I prepared the soft bread crumbs. Good as anything,
right?
Then came my favorite part -- the creamed corn. Ummm...to think that all that corny
goodness would soon be sloshing around in my guests' bellies. Yummers!
I combined everything for a perfect marriage of starches and complex carbohydrates.
Atkins who?
I had to take a small peek at Mr. Loaf. After 20 minutes he was coming along
quite nicely. I could see the grease beginning to pool around the sides. I was
definitely on the right track.
Using a spatula, I transferred the corn mixture into a round casserole dish and topped
it off with more bread crumbs mixed with (more) melted butter. This traditional bread
crumb topping is a dead give-away that you're proud to be an Ohioan...even if you're
not. Conveniently this dish also required the heat of a 350 degree oven. I popped it
in right next to Hidden Treasure Loaf.
Misery loves company.
As I mentioned before, my hidden treasure refused to stay hidden. Flowing like cheese
lava from Meat Mountain, the Swiss and deviled ham were not content to wait for their
big debut at the table. The world was theirs for the taking and they were not to be
denied this destiny.
The moment of reckoning had finally arrived. With great fanfare and drum roll, I
presented: Hidden Treasure Loaf and....
.....Frank and Corn Crown.
I took the recipe's suggestion of serving Hidden Treasure on a bed of curly
endive. It made the meat experience all the more alive, don't you think?
This is the part where I served this food to people that I actually LIKE. Maybe I
should have invited over those with whom I had an old score to settle. Nevertheless,
Dan, Steve and Travis were very good sports. They even filled out my half-assed rating
sheet. On a scale of 1 to 5 (5 being the best), they judged the entrees in four categories:
- Appearance
- Taste
- Digestability
- Overall Meat Experience
After everyone joined hands and thanked God for this wondrous bounty of good eatin'
(because all food is a gift from Him and we gots to recognize), they dug in.
Fatty Patty was being a total cunt and refused to eat. Typical. She said "she'd already
had enough wiener for today, thank you very much." This is why no one ever wants her
at their parties. Fatty Patty sucks.
Overall, the Frank and Corn Crown went over a bit better than Hidden Treasure Loaf.
Dan was particularly fond of the corn component of the Corn Crown. His franks
remained virtually untouched. Even after I told him there are starving children in
Kathy Lee's sweatshop who don't even know what franks taste like, he still insisted on
being obstinate. Meanwhile Steve held the opposing viewpoint and REALLY liked the franks.
A lot.
Travis, of the ever discerning palate, liked everything. He took home all the leftovers,
packed into a single giant container. This included that lump of shit pictured to the
left. Come to think of it, I really should call him and make sure he lived through the
night and didn't succumb to the heart palpitations he was complaining about.
Here is the final tally of scores for the First (and Last) Meat Party Extravaganza:
Hidden Treasure Loaf
| |
Appearance |
Taste |
Digestability |
Overall Meat
Experience |
| Dan |
2 |
3 |
2 |
5 |
| Steve |
2 |
3 |
5 |
4 |
| Travis |
1 |
3 |
3 |
3 |
| TOTAL |
5 |
9 |
10 |
12 |
To explain, Dan's ranking of "5" for the Overall Meat Experience was purely based
on the number of different types of meat all rolled into one meal; it was not contingent
on quality or enjoyment. Much like the haunting duet performed by Jennifer Warnes and
Bill Medley for the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, he was impressed that such different
entities could blend so seamlessly and beautifully together. I believe his exact words
were "That's a fuckton of meat." I concurred.
Frank and Corn Crown
| |
Appearance |
Taste |
Digestability |
Overall Meat
Experience |
| Dan |
5 |
4 |
4 |
2 |
| Steve |
4 |
4.5 |
5 |
3 |
| Travis |
3 |
4 |
4 |
3 |
| TOTAL |
12 |
12.5 |
13 |
8 |
Frank and Corn Crown ranked higher in three of the four categories. It
only fell short in Overall Meat Experience. It's true: if you're looking for
more meatiness per bite, the loaf is always the sure thing.
There you have it. At this point, I hope you are as sufficiently ill as I am.
Purging sounds pretty damn good right about now. And I didn't even eat any of it.
-lisa |
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